L: So, today I went shopping. And I know that there are those who say “What are you doing shopping when you already have too much shit in your house as it is?”, but those people weren’t with me this afternoon and besides I needed to do something after not handing out food to homeless people who were harassing me for the fifth day in a row.
H: This is the program where you hand out food to kids in need at the park?
L: Yes, and although the kids are great, all of the homeless people in the park keep getting upset when I tell then that it is just for kids. So I needed some cheering and decided to go find a good deal. So I went to St. Vinnes and I got this, the best, the BEST, bowl in the whole world. It has running bunnies on it! And I knew that buying this bowl had completed my day and just when I thought it could not possibly go any better I found a matching mug! And then, when I was checking out I asked the lady for a very large bag to put them in and she asked why and I told here that I have a lot of garbage to throw away at home and she UNDERSTOOD! And I got everything half off the marked price! And the price was… $1.99!
Then, THEN, I went next door to Goodwill and you know that mauve shirt that I have that I really like for sleeping in and has what used to be lace across the bottom of the neck line but I love it because it feels so comfortable, and then I found another one just like it in purple and I was SO happy? Well, today I found another one, BRAND NEW, in pink. Still had the tag on it. My plan is to find one for every night of the week. And then I just had to buy this polkadot shirt because it just says “Hello, it’s Summer!” Doesn’t it?
H: Yes, it looks very Daisy Duke.
L: I know, right? And then I got another package of 4×6 notecards for just 25 cents, because I opened one of my packages last week and used a card.
H: So the rule is, use a card, buy a pack?
L: Yes! You see I am preparing for my Master’s Degree and I know that I am going to need a lot of notecards. Others prepare for their degree by studying but *I* prepare my own way.
H: By Shopping?
L: Yes! Yes, You understand!
H: No. No, not really. That was just a guess.
L: My pillow was partly covering my ear so I couldn’t hear all of the nuances of what you thought was a joke. Do you want to try again?
L: Hey, why did this message pop up on your phone?
H: Which message?
L: (suspicious stare) It says “Kiss boyfriend”
H: (smiling) Oh, that’s for you.
L: Why is it popping up on your phone?
H: Because I have your calendar items showing up on my calender, in addition to my own items, and so I get your calendar reminders. This is from your calendar telling you to kiss me.
L: Hmm, (not displeased) I don’t remember writing that down as a To-Do item.
H: I did it for you, you know (innocent), to save you some time.
L: Ah, well, for a moment I thought that there was something you needed to tell me (knowing gaze).
H: Such as “I think it’s finally time I told you the truth”?
L: Yes, and then I thought, “There is no way you are getting out that easily Mister. He’ll have to move in here“. And I would be OK with that. (pause) As long as you both loved me. (wistful look) And he had money.
L: Good morning my sweetheart
H: Good morning my sweet
L: (in saucy French accent) Keess may
H: Yes, ma’am. (smooch)
L: Mm. Aaand now squeeeeze my bot-tom.
H: Yes Ma’am!
L: Ah, you are my star pe-u-pil.
H: Why thank… hey!
H: Hey! Look at this! “Father of eleven year old driver arrested on DUII”
L: What? That doesn’t make sense.
H: No, really. This guy was drunk and decided to teach his eleven year old daughter how to drive in their trailer park in Coos Bay.
L: OK, Coos Bay. Now it makes sense. My <under_her_breath> second </under_her_breath> ex-husband made Coos Bay his home away from home during our divorce. His first home being the Ninety-Nine club across the street from the mill where he worked. He decided to become a “professional” shuffleboard player and Coos Bay had shuffleboard in a number of bars. He played in “tournaments”. Coos Bay is an armpit in the universe of armpits. I resent Coos Bay.
H: Because of shuffleboard?
L: Because it takes up valuable beach front property. Oh, dear. Doesn’t your friend live in Coos Bay?
H: He lives in Lakeside, between Coos Bay and Reedsport. It’s this little town.
L: There is no “town” there. It is simply a camping spot for duck hunters.
H: Well apparently enough duck hunters decided to move there. There are little streets for it on Google Maps.
L: Nooo, (shaking head) they didn’t decide to move there either, they simply ran out of gas. Haven’t you learned anything about Oregon yet?
H: Apparently not.
L: What’s funny?
H: So there’s this article on how staring at women’s breasts for 10 minutes a day helps to lower the blood pressure of men over 40.
L: (pause) OK, I am not even going to ask the usual battery of questions, “Who conducted this study?”, “In which peer-reviewed medical publication did this appear?”, “What was the sample size?” (sudden glare and pointing of finger) Shut-your-mouth-I-can-hear-that-one-coming. Instead, I will jump to the chase. (suspicious stare, dramatic pause) Did *Eric* send you this link?
H: (slightly offended) Some Germans did the study and published it in the New England Journal of Medi-
L: Na-NAH! (eyes wide, finger in stern warning position)
H: (collapsing and sheepish, small voice) Yes. It was Eric.
L: The same guy that told you about the study where periodic breast massage breaks down breast-cancer cells?
H: Um, well, I thought you liked-
L: Listen. I only have so much time in the day for boob related activities.
H: But this is for *my* health. We can combine the two. (pleading slightly) I can multi-task.
L: By ‘boob’, I meant you.