*Flu – The Respite
L: I was so cold last night I was shivering violently. But at least it’s a welcome change from menopause.
IT Manager of Crater Lake National Park
Craisglist Ad:
IT Manager (Crater Lake National Park)
Essential Duties and Responsibilities include the following:
- Handles all day-to-day support IT functions needed within the property.
- Works with the Chief Information Officer, and other corporate IT staff to serve as the primary technical liaison between the property and corporate.
- Sets and adheres to departmental operating and capital budgets as well as oversight of hardware and software maintenance contracts.
- Provides both a strategic direction and tactical implementation plans for acquisition of new systems hardware, upgrades, replacements, rehabilitation and recycling.
- Manages server upgrades within the property inventories including hardware, application software, operating systems, peripheral software and network equipment.
L: That sounds like the kind of job for a guy whose wife has died and he needs to get away from it all so he takes this job in a remote area, but it turns out that bad guys who just robbed a bank try to escape to Crater Lake park and hide and there is a falling out among the robbers and one of them is killed and the IT guy is a witness and now has to flee into the snow covered forest and is shot but only wounded and then is rescued by one of those helicopter ski girls who binds his wound and leads him to safety.
H: Is the helicopter ski girl played by Sandra Bullock?
L: Yes. So, you can’t take that job because I don’t trust you around Sandra Bullock, and besides, you would have to marry me first and then I would have to die before you could even apply, so there is no part of this process that appeals to me. Keep looking.
Sick
Things Lilly says when she is sick:
L: (stuffy sounding groaning) I hurt. I hurt and my skin is super-sensitive and I am cold. My feet are sooo cold.
H: Aw. Here, put on your socks and you can wear my slippers.
L: (stuffy sounding whine) I don’t want to wear your stinky manful slippers. I don’t want to look all mannish just because I am sick. I still want to look attractive, you know.
H: While you are attractively hacking up phlegm in a lady like way.
L: Hey! Don’t make fun of the Sick Rules.
H: There are ‘Sick Rules’?
L: Yes, I didn’t want to tell you about them before you moved in because then you wouldn’t move in.
H: (sighing and rolling eyes) But it’s too late now so…
L: Yes, so now you must learn them and abide. (groaning) I am cold but I need to sit up.
H: (reaching for blanket) Here, let’s put this blanket around your shoulders…
L: (panicking) Not touching the hair! One of the Rules! I have anime hair right now (pointing to her head) and I like it that way and I know it looks ridiculous in public but right now it fits! (sighing and slumping and blowing nose enthusiastically) I also need drugs and I mean GOOD drugs. Drugs so good you could drop a bridge on my foot and I wouldn’t care. I would just play Donkey Kong and drink purple Fanta and sue them later. The drugs are for the stabbing pain that I have all over. It’s the kind of pain where if there was an actual person stabbing me I would actually hit him. Preferably with a baseball bat, but I am open to using other things. (pause, cough) And you have never seen me swing a bat but I used to go to the batting cages all that time so don’t doubt my batting skills you crazy bad man.
H: (pursing lips, raising eyebrows) Drugs. Got it.
Driving Test
We were discussing my oldest son and I was saying how he scheduled his driving test at the Springfield DMV because the driving test route was easier and less busy than the Eugene test area.
L: Well, Cottage Grove is the easiest place to take your driving test. In Oregon. They are very forgiving, and I know.
H: Why? How many times did you take your driving test?
L: (In a very small voice) five
H: (Speechless for a moment) Five?
L: I only failed once in Cottage Grove. Well, twice because of that pedestrian.
H: (Incredulous) You hit a *pedestrian*?
L: (Indignant) No, I didn't hit *him*.
H: (Puzzled) What? He ran into the side of the car?
L: No. Not the side.
H: He ran into the *front* of the car?
L: Noo, he put his hand on the hood. That was all really. To stop the car.
H: (Incredulous again)The car was *moving*? What, did he suddenly appear in the middle of the road?
L: (Looking slighted) Noooo. He suddenly appeared in the crosswalk. (Slightly sheepish) He surprised me.
H: (Incredulous. Still) A pedestrian in the *crosswalk*, the one "safe" place to cross the street, the place where you can *expect* pedestrians and he *surprised* you?
L: (I don't understand how you are not getting this) He blended. I didn't see him.
H: (Incredulous. Level 3) What do you mean he **"blended"**? Was he wearing a grey suit with broad yellow stripes across it? Some sort of pedestrian camouflage?
L: (Annoyed) He popped up while I was carefully approaching the crosswalk. He stuck out his hand and leaned back a little. He looked at me, I looked at him, and then we had a meeting of the minds and he went on his way. So I didn't *hit* him. He just, sort of, tipped. Then the test instructor told me that my test was over.
H: Not too surprising.
L: (Slightly dismissive, short wave of left hand) He had a very sour disposition and I think it colored his reaction.
My Purpose
L: Keep in mind that you are not here and that I am lonely.
Morning Coordination
Going into the bedroom to say goodbye for the day, rousing a sleeping Lilly:
L: (One eye open, in a blanket muffled voice) How much longer until you leave?
H: That depends on if you're are getting up.
L: Well if you aren't leaving for a little while then I'll get up and visit with you. (Pause, close eye, sigh, open eye) Otherwise I will go back to sleep.
H: Well if you're going back to sleep then I'll leave right away, otherwise I'll stay and visit with you.
L: Well if I get up now will you make coffee for me?
H: OK.
L: And feed the cats, they are starting to hit me about the head.
H: OK.
L: And stay out in the kitchen because I have to use the bathroom first so that means you have wait for me far, far away, and make some noise because, you know, (large sigh) the Mexican food last night.
H: Best I flee whilst I can.
L: Fine. Coward.